


No Time for Codes and Manners

by ishie



Category: Big Bang Theory, Doctor Who
Genre: 1000-5000 Words, 2010, Community: help_haiti, Crossover, F/M, Ficlet, request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-21
Updated: 2010-01-21
Packaged: 2017-10-06 13:05:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ishie/pseuds/ishie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To no one's surprise, Penny never did learn the lesson about inappropriate gestures on unfamiliar planets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Time for Codes and Manners

**Author's Note:**

  * For [betternovembers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/betternovembers/gifts).



> For Betternovembers, for donating to help_haiti. The trope she picked is listed in the notes at the end.
> 
> I have rewritten this prompt four times, Meg, and it WON'T COME OUT RIGHT. Therefore I ~~blatantly copy~~echo Audrey's offer of a rewrite if you are not 95% satisfied!
> 
> Title from "The Edge of Destruction".

To no one's surprise, Penny never did learn the lesson about inappropriate gestures on unfamiliar planets.

They're picking through a bin of silky cloth somewhere on the suns-lit side of Lower Haaxaalia Cityplex D - well, Penny's picking through it while Sheldon snots about the inferior thread count. She turns to show him a bolt that looks like it would work for his Green Lantern costume, and she maybe gets a little too excited.

Her hand ripples through the air like a bird, the cloth trailing behind it like a tracer. Like she's totally tripping balls instead of drug-free since Bobby Tanner in sophomore year. The shopkeeper gasps and starts whacking at her knees with a broom-looking thing.

"What the fuck!" she shrieks, dropping the bolt of cloth and jumping out of the way. Penny puts up her hands like she's going to ward the Haaxaalian off, even though Sheldon's told her a million times not to actually hit anybody, and shehe hisses at her. Actual hissing, with flickering tongue and everything.

Next to the bin, Sheldon is completely frozen in place - fat lot of help _he_ is. When she looks at him, he pales so fast that she checks the ground to see if there's one of those nasty little alien Bunnicula things sucking on his ankle.

The shopkeeper gives her one more good whack on the ankles, then apparently collects herhimself enough to whistle what Penny thinks is the Haaxaal sound for-

"SECURITY!"

Penny whirls around and sure enough, here come four elaborately outfitted officers, lumbering across the crowded marketplace. The crowd scurries out of the way as they advance.

"Sheldon, do something!"

Sheldon doesn't do anything but stand there, at least not before all the officers are brandishing their own broom-looking things at her knees. Which fucking _hurt_.

"_Sheldon_," she hisses. Her voice blends right in with the fevered explanation from the shopkeeper and Sheldon twitches.

Luckily, he also steps over to her side, pushing aside the closest broom thing, and starts wiggling his fingers through the air. Little puffs of breath and whooshes of noise slide out of his mouth, and after a few minutes, everybody seems to calm down. The stoutest of the Haaxaalian security force even gives her a peculiar little tilt of the head and a raised eyebrow. Shehe whistles something and Sheldon-

Sheldon _blushes_.

Penny groans. "Oh god, what did you do?"

Instead of answering, Sheldon strokes his own hair then awkwardly pats the side of Penny's head. He hisses something else at the stout officer, who nods then gives a sharp whistle and leaves. Herhis comrades fall in behind, the shopkeeper drifts back into the stall, and within seconds they're all on their own in what was at one point a crowded side street.

"What did you _do_?" Penny repeats, this time putting a little more menace in her tone. She might even roll up to bounce on the balls of her feet like a prizefighter. Only a little bit, though. Sometimes the fact that she's so much shorter than him really pisses her off.

"I don't think I'll answer that until we're on our way off this planet," he says, and hurries off toward the long-term parking where they'd left the ship.

Oh no, he doesn't. Penny takes off after him and tugs on the back of his shirt. "We're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on," she bluffs. She can't really stop him from doing anything, but for some reason he hasn't quite figured that out yet.

Or maybe he has, because he keeps going, forcing Penny to hang on for dear life and skitter along behind him.

"We're not going to be _allowed_ to go anywhere if we don't leave _right now_," he tells her, visibly straining to pull against her grip. "I _told_ you to watch your gestures!"

Penny lets go of the fistful of his shirt and throws herself forward, struggling to keep up with his pace. His face is bright red and his nostrils flare in time with each step. She presses her lips together and tries not to fall too far behind. At the ship, he digs through his pockets until he turns up his key and lets them in.

She follows him into the cool, dry ship and thumbs the lock when the door slides shut behind her. Further inside, Sheldon is flitting from one control to the next, his usual pre-flight jitters taking over. Probably they're enhanced by the aftermath of whatever he'd stepped in to do back in the market. Speaking of which, Penny has no intention of letting him go anywhere until he explains what the hell that was.

Sheldon jumps a good foot in the air when she slaps her hand down on top of his and pulls it away from the button he was about to push.

"We have to-" he splutters.

"It'll wait five seconds," she says, all exasperation and a thin sliver of worry starting to worm its way into her voice. "What was all that? What did I do?"

Sheldon's arms go limp and he shies away from her. Won't meet her eyes. "You told the shopkeeper that you were looking for work."

"And?"

"And what?" he squeaks.

"And that's obviously not it or I wouldn't have bruises all over my knees."

For some reason, that makes him flush an even deeper red.

"Sheldon, come on. The faster you tell me, the faster we can get-"

"Shehe thought you were asking herhim to procure clients for your new enterprise," he blurts. When she shrugs, still not getting what the big deal is - it's not like they're on New11 Vegas where jobs are outlawed - he makes a short, fluttery movement in the space between them.

That's a gesture Penny definitely remembers from her incredibly pointless attempt at actually learning Haaxaalian. It's not like it's her fault that it's easier to try a new language once you know the good curse words.

"I told him I was a _hooker_?"

Sheldon's head dips in a jerky nod. He still won't look at her. Penny puts her hands up and backs away so he can get to the controls again.

"Thanks," she offers. "Whatever you said... Thanks."

He stabs at a button and the floor starts to shake under them. She hops up on the counter in her customary spot and swings her legs while the ship settles into its normal rhythm around them. Something's not quite right here, she knows that much. The Haaxaalians are vicious, stuck-up prudes. Which she doesn't really think makes sense given that everyone there is both sexes at once, but the one time she'd tried to ask Sheldon about it he'd talked about hermaphro-something-or-other until she passed out in her dinner. But the point is that Haaxaalians do not back down, especially when they're that pissed off.

Then again, they've been through this kind of thing a few too many times now. Penny tries to pay attention to his lectures and his little datasheets and whatever she can look up in the computer before they go dashing around but there's just _so much_ to remember. Sometimes she gets to rescue him from some tight spot he generated for himself with rudeness or panic, but half the time he's stepping in and fixing her messes.

He doesn't get as gloaty about it anymore, though, which is nice.

The farther away from Lower Haaxaalia Cityplex D they get, the more Sheldon relaxes, until he's pretty much back to normal-uptight and not super-brittle-uptight. Penny waits until he's slipping almost into completely-at-ease, or as close as he gets, before she speaks again.

"So if the bird thing means hooker, how do you say married?"

Sheldon's peering into the viewer and tracing something on the translucent panel below it, but he stops long enough to reach up to stroke the side of his head. His hand freezes over his ear, and the look he shoots her would be hilarious if it weren't-

No, it's pretty much just straight up hilarious.

Penny kicks her heels and pretends to examine her nails when really she's watching him through her lashes. "You know," she says, voice all breezy and unconcerned, like she's about to tell him about her favorite lip gloss or something. "One of these days you're going to have to either come up with a new cover story, or you're going to have to actually marry me."

She was wrong before. _This_ panicked look is the funniest thing she's ever seen.

At least, it is until he purses his lips and pulls something out of his jacket pocket that looks a hell of a lot like a velvet box from that jewelry shop she liked back in 1910.

Oh, _shit_.

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt: **pretending to be married
> 
> Started: 19 January 2010  
> Finished: 21 January 2010


End file.
